Friday, 13 November 2015

Since when did cheating become the new therapy?

I read an article in Glamour today when I was on my way home, and I couldn't believe what I was reading and here's why...

*In no way am I intentionally trying to bash anyone who has this opinion but when I read this I was shouting in my head as my opinion is such the opposite and I just feel like sharing it. Maybe you could leave a comment explaining why you agree or disagree, maybe you'll change my mind. Just make sure they're reasonably polite comments. This post is in every way subjective, it is my opinion and I wanted to share it so maybe someone could spread some light and dim my confusion on how cheating could ever help a relationship. I'm also nowhere near a relationship expert, nor do I claim to be.

The article started off saying "nice people don't cheat", which I completely disagreed with to begin with. In my opinion cheating doesn't determine whether you are 'nice' or not it determines how much you love your partner and how you consider their feelings and cope with your own towards them. 

Then it continued on to what could be considered as different area code cheating. The excuse of long distance, from business trips to a girls holiday that gives an excuse for a one night stand. Now if I was to take a holiday or work trip away from my boyfriend it wouldn't be more than a couple of weeks most likely. It surprises me that in the short time like a girls holiday that you would even consider sleeping with someone else. It's a 'girls' holiday. To go a week or two without someone you've become attached to is horrible, I know. But I can only imagine involving yourself in a sexual relationship, even if it is a one night stand, would make this worse. You're not going to miss the one you love less, probably more. And if this is your idea of being able to try something new or different because your other half is not around then I just can't see how you would justify that. It does however mention working abroad, which may be a bit longer. Long distance relationships can get tough, but I can never imagine why you would fine someone else to fill the void. If you want someone to make you smile and forget it for the time being then find some friends! If you need the intimacy that you're missing how can you find it from someone else. It's always going to be different and its always going to end with someone getting hurt whether its a mutual agreement or not. Love is a stong feeling, and i'm afraid it often comes with jealousy and hurt multiplied by a thousand. And if you think your relationship is worth it, then why are you considering swaying from it? 

As the article itself quotes from sex therapist Dr Tammy Nelson, "Virtually all couples' therapists have believed since the field's earliest days that no troubled marriage can ever recover as long as there's a 'third party'."

The article also said how we live in an age when you can lie in bed with someone 'but simultaneously e-cheat'. I don't know about any of you guys out there, but if i'm spending quality time with my boyfriend in bed its because we're cuddling or watching tv together, maybe in silence but still will some intimate physical contact. A touch of the hip, a squeeze, a forehead kiss. This could be down to the fact that I don't live with my boyfriend, so when I do see him (which has been every night for the past two weeks) is very important because the next night I could be in bed alone missing him. 

I feel like if you can e-cheat on someone while they are lying next to you in bed, then why are you in bed together. Why don't you want to be there spending time with the person you love. Asking them about their day, or talking about deeper issues which I find is always best to do in bed after sex. I find both parties are always more relaxed and open at this time. When i'm with the person I love I can't imagine being with anyone else, cherish every moment you have together. 

There's also the idea of websites that can delete texts off of phones yours or someone else's, ones with internet access you can't trace blah de blah de blah. If you're deleting texts or hiding your internet then your cheating therapy is obviously not mutual. This is an obvious break of trust, and we all know that trust is important in a relationship. If you can't trust them how can you expect them to be there for you when you need them, to put you first, to make you happy. 

Another line that really stuck out to me was 'actively helping couples to negotiate how to be unfaithful' with a set of guidelines to create 'a pre-nup for your heart not your bank account'. Sets of guidelines about your affairs. This is is crazy to me, maybe it works, maybe i'm wrong. But the idea of boyfriend sleeping with someone else drives me crazy as it is. I would never tell him he could, and whilst he does what he pleases I don't control him I would expect him not to want to. I know that porn is a thing and its other people, but fake re-enacted fantasies in his head are so much different from his hands or his lips on another. 

Apparently the motivation for cheating has also become less personal.Out of the100 women who were signed up to Adultery sites, not one wanted to leave their partner, and most said how much they loved them. I just can't get my head around this one at all, but what I can say is that if you loved them they wouldn't you consider them?

I think the worst part of the cheating is not the cheating itself, its the emotional aftermath. How is someone supposed to feel wanted by you when you are always looking for something or someone else. Oh, its just a one night stand. Its just sexting. Its just flirting. Why do you need it elsewhere? If you're missing that in your relationship the you need to discuss this with your partner and if you can't find what you need, you might need to find someone else. 

Let me just finish this off by saying that if you are a cheat/have been cheated on then i'm not saying you shouldn't be forgiven or forgive someone. Everybody's circumstances, everybodys relationship differs but I would never see this as a solution. 

Call me old fashioned, call me naive, the idea of cheating being good for a relationship truly baffled me.

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